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| i've been contemplating this for the last few days. am i extraordinary? does anything set me apart from a room full of people? well i've got the answer for you.
no.
nothing sets me apart. i mean, look at me. i'm entirely average; there's nothing that really sticks out. and let's face it, i've never been the breath-taking, beautiful home-coming queen type. i'm the girl next door. and i'm okay with it, really. i have accepted it. i just wish with all of my being that i could really believe am i this girl; this extraordinary girl. but i have to face the music and come to realize my life is no story that you read in books, and i'm not the main character. there is no happy ending to this.
but god, i love that song. i love that song because i wish i could be that girl. but somewhere, some girl fits that song. truly fits it. but i don't think it is me. i'm nothing out of the average. i wish, and pray that i could be - but i am not.
truth is, there are other people out there - just like me. i'm sure there's another girl somewhere who has been through what i have, feels the same, looks similar...everything i have is something someone, somewhere has too. the only thing that i have that's different is my fingerprint. that's the only thing i've got that sets me apart. no where in the world do two people have the same finger print. but, harken,that means everyone has a unique finger print. which still leaves me in the realm of normalcy. i'm just waiting for the day that the smart girl beats the beautiful girl.
i want to be the girl who is pretty, inside and out. i can't be that girl. i'm not that girl. my insides have been torn apart, piece by piece. outside, i'm smiling. inside, i'm hurting. they say that for every girl with a broken heart comes a boy with a glue gun. i fear that everyone with a glue gun is running away from me. i fear that i have turned everyone away.
no one cares to ask, no one cares to look, no on cares to see; to really see.
all but one; and i'm sure i'll screw it up somehow. every time i find someone who cares, i mess it up. i'm doomed to a life of running to see if anyone will chase me. but no one can run forever, people give up, cash out, and i'm all alone again.
who knows? maybe i'm just feeling this way on the account of a bad mood. maybe by the time i wake up tomorrow, i'll be okay. i don't really know.
but i know that i'm no extraordinary girl. i wish that i could be. but i am not. never have been; never will be.
that'sallfornow.
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| i just finished looking for alaska - and to be quite honest, it was one of the greatest books i've read in my lifetime. truly, it was amazing. it made me think, and feel, and hope - it even made me start crying in the middle of class.
it made me answer this very question that the book poses over and over: how will we ever get out of this labyrinth? my only answer is as simple as pudge's - forgiveness. forgiveness to all of the people that have hurt us or let us down in our lives, forgiveness to the world for never giving us the easy way out, for consisting of both love and hate. not only that, but we have to learn to forgive ourselves before we can finally, truly find our way out of our labyrinth of suffering.
school is going very well. i'm doing exceptional in all of my classes. aside from chemistry - which is utterly confusing because the teacher both bores me and leaves me puzzled. so i give up and read. but i'm still doing okay.
tomorrow i have my senior pictures which i am quite nervous about. i've never been particularly photogenic; and i really would like them to come out nice.
i think senior year is going very well. and from the looks of it - it should be a good year. thank goodness, i think we've earned it.
igotoseekagreatperhaps.
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| so many things just went terribly wrong today. first, the dryer broke. so - i'm stuck with no clothes, because my mother took them all to my memm'ere's house to wash and dry. stupid unreliable appliances. ugh.
secondly, i fell down. yes, again. i know i do a lot of that, but i tripped over my dog laying in the middle of the living room and landed awfully on my right arm. now, i'm stuck in an ace-bandage making childish faces at my dog - i swear she did it on purpose.
as well as that - today as jarrod's first day of work. good, right? wrong. we got into an argument right before he had to leave. i was simply giving him some advice and i was just trying to help. but he took it as an attack and got angry - leaving me standing there, feeling helpless and confused. i'm sure i must've done something as well. i am in no way putting all the blame on him for the argument. i just feel awful about it.
well, i have a poster to work on for school, and i've got to take a shower and figure out what to feed myself. plus, i've got a whole box set of gilmore girls season two to watch. so i'm going to leave you with one final thought:
maybe, just maybe we fight with and hurt the people we love most because we know they will always be there. and once we get close to true happiness, we mess it up - and run away, just to see if someone thinks you're worth chasing after.
farewell;fornow.
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| well, the few days that my mother and step-father have been gone are going good so far. great, actually. i rather enjoy having the house to myself. it's quite comforting.
anyway, school is going good. my schedule is good and it makes my day go by quick.
lately, emily and i have been hanging out often and we're going on this baking frenzy obsession. every time she comes over were always baking something new - a cake, muffins, cookies, brownies, etcetera. it's been nice to have he around, but it makes me miss donna and wish that i knew her working schedule so that we could all hang out together, if she would like.
anyway, today in teen leadership i got in in the face with the football four times during the name game. no one else did, just me. for some reason, these stupid balls have it out for me - in gym class, during a simple toss, etcetera. you name it. i'm just not athletic in any sense of the word. anyway, today we had to create the abc's of me. which is really just adjectives for each letter of your name that describe you and then we had to read it in front of the class, to my dismay. but any who - here was mine:
j - jazzy.
e - empathetic.
s - simple.
s - shy.
i - intelligent.
c - clumsy.
a - artistic.
well, that's about all for now. i'm getting tired and i think i'm going to attempt to get some sleep now.
goodbyeandgoodnight.
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| school started this past week, and let's just say - it's a strange feeling to be a senior. really, it just feels weird. maybe i simply have to let it sink in. but aside from that, my classes aren't horrible - and despite my fears, the people in them are fine as well. although, my schedule prevents me from ever being able to go to my locker, which is a pain. but it's something i'll have to work around.
here's my schedule:
1. searching and writing - girard.
2. chorus - weed.
3. teen leadership - gaucher.
4. graphic arts - taylor.
5. algebra two - wyze.
6. study hall - stasio.
7. chemistry - thomas.
...if you know the layout of these classes, and the fact that my locker is third floor a-wing - you'll see my problem. i'm practically never up there.
but anyway, everything else is going pretty well. i've been watching gilmore girls in increasing amounts because of the fact that emily left her season one box set here. i can almost recite entire episodes.
i'm pretty stoked that this monday is the beginning of the two weeks that i have the house to myself. my mother is dog sitting while my memm'ere is on vacation - so i get the house to myself. it's nice, being here without anyone pestering me. i actually get a lot more done.
well, anyway - it's getting late and i'm going upstairs to read. yes i know - bookworm. i'm aware.
goodbyeandgoodnight.
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